Lecture

by Nataša Barolin-Belić

Orgasm – how to live with and without it

Orgasm is the climax of excitement which connotes an explosive release of muscle and nerve tension with a powerful feeling of pleasure. Mozart wrote that a man and a woman are lifted to divinity in those moments. They say Casanova felt the need to orgasm every day, and that he provided his partners with series of powerful orgasms, which made them extremely grateful and faithful lovers.

Male orgasm includes two independent, coordinated reflexes which serve to achieve the discharge and ejaculation of semen. The female one is more complex, which is why women have more difficulties at achieving orgasm. When women experience orgasms various factors are involved, such as physiological differences, psychological influence as well as their systems of values. For a woman, achieving orgasm does not simultaneously mean going through an intense sexual experience or finding sexual fulfilment.

These days a lot has also been said about limitless male orgasm. Tantric masters and books on tantric sexuality deal with male orgasm without ejaculation which does not take away the strength. A man can even reach multiple orgasms without ejaculating.

Female orgasm. Failing to reach orgasm or difficulties at reaching it are common sexual disturbances. Statistics shows that at least one in five women has orgasm difficulties. Until the 1960s women who had difficulties at achieving orgasms were called ‘frigid’ and mocked. Today it is considered normal for all women to be able to reach orgasm. Moreover, today it is expected from a woman to achieve more than just one orgasm, and fast. Also, women are expected to have an orgasm no matter what the stimulation or her partner’s technique and sexual skill is. But orgasms are individual and problems arise when they do not exist or when there is too many of them.

Myths about female orgasm

MYTH 1: Orgasm is always a fantastic experience and something is wrong with the women who cannot reach it.

THE TRUTH: Some women have orgasms without even knowing it. Some do not feel the contraction of pelvic muscles but they experience delightful pleasure. Some women who get very excited and do not have an orgasm become nervous and can also feel pelvic pain. In contrast to them, some women enjoy sexual intercourse intensely and reach a release and relaxation phase without an orgasm.

MYTH 2: There is a ‘real/mature’ or ‘unreal/immature’ orgasm. The mature orgasm is the vaginal one, whereas the immature one is achieved by stimulating the clitoris. ‘Normal’ women reach orgasm by penetration.

THE TRUTH: There is only one type of orgasm and it is the clitoris one. The clitoris is a lot bigger than its visible ending. The greater part of the clitoris is inside the vagina. Depending on the shape of the clitoris, some women can reach orgasm by penetration, whereas others need the stimulation of the top of the clitoris. But it is still the same orgasm which happened by adequately stimulating the clitoris. They vary in intensity but that does not mean some are ‘real’ and some ‘unreal’. Only a third of women reach orgasm by penetration. A third can achieve orgasm but only with the additional stimulation of the clitoris. A third never has an orgasm by penetration but they experience it only by stimulating the clitoris.

MYTH 3: The impossibility of reaching orgasms means the woman is frigid or that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship with her partner.

THE TRUTH: Those women who used to reach orgasms in the past but seem unable to do so now might have health problems or their current partner does not know how to stimulate them properly. There is also a possibility that the emotional relationship in the couple is disrupted to the extent that the woman cannot relax during sexual intercourse and therefore cannot reach orgasm.

MYTH 4: A woman has to orgasm in order to enjoy sex.

THE TRUTH: This myth is more frequent among men than women. Many women enjoy physical intimacy even without an orgasm.

Joint orgasm. Some partners occasionally manage to reach orgasms at the same time. That is not simple nor it is wise to expect that the simultaneous orgasm will be a common occurrence. But there is also a question about whether a simultaneous orgasm is really that much more beautiful and bigger than when two partners reach it separately. For those who wish to experience a simultaneous orgasm, there are exercises which, although they do not guarantee achieving an orgasm at the same time, might help experiencing it. Of course, it is important to state that we are talking about a simultaneous orgasm, not a joint one. Each partner reaches their own orgasm.

Find out more about these and many other issues about the big ‘O’ at Nataša Barolin Belić’s lecture…